


All Those Shadows Almost Killed Your Light

by BabyyCakess



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Death, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Rape, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 15:31:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1174738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabyyCakess/pseuds/BabyyCakess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It happens when Sam is twelve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Those Shadows Almost Killed Your Light

**Author's Note:**

> There are dark elements in this story, (rape, alcohol abuse, murder) so you've been warned.  
> The ending is happy-ish though.
> 
> This is fiction, I don't own Supernatural or the characters. 
> 
> Title is from the song 'Safe and Sound'

"Christo," Dean says. 

John's eyes do not turn black. 

Sam sobs.

Dean pulls the trigger once, twice, then three times.

His hands do not shake.

John falls, dead before he hits the ground.

*

Sam has just turned twelve when it happens.

He is still small, smaller than Dean and young enough, innocent enough that he still enjoys hugs from his big brother; still gets a goofy grin on his face when Dean ruffles his hair affectionately.

It's a Wednesday, and Dean has promised to pick up pizza on his way home.

Sam gets out of school an hour earlier than Dean, so he plans to do homework while he waits, but when he walks into the apartment he sees his Dad sprawled out on the couch, bottle of Jack in hand, his shot glass long forgotten. John just brings the bottle to his lips and gulps. It's already half empty.

Sam sets his backpack down and takes a few cautious steps toward his father. 

"Dad..." he says, timid.

He is only a few feet away from John, just the coffee table separating them. When John opens his eyes and looks at Sam, he can see the tears swimming in his dad's eyes. 

"Sammy," John slurs. He has this smile on his face that Sam's never seen before. "Come 'ere, Sammy." He pats the space next to him on the couch. 

Sam sits down, cautious.

"Dad, are you okay?" Sam asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine, sweetheart. Just wanna talk t'ya."

Sam raises his eyebrows at the pet name, not used to such affection, especially from his father. Dean was much more likely to be sweet to him. It was more normal, more comforting from Dean. He just nods.

"Your mom loved you so much, Sammy. So much."

Sam stares, shocked. Talking about Mary has always been off-limits. 

"You remind me of her." He brushes a lock of hair out of Sam's eyes. "Dean's got her looks...but you. You've got her spirit, Sam. You've got her soul."

Sam sucks in a breath, has no idea what to make of this situation. He's intrigued, yet uncomfortable beyond belief.

"You're so innocent, Sam. So beautiful." A pause. "So pure." 

John moves closer, and Sam wonders if he should back away; he probably should, and when he can smell the whiskey on his Dad's breath, he knows he should, but he can't move a muscle. He feels fear, but his fight or flight response isn't working. He can't move, he just wants Dean.

"She was perfect, Sammy. And so are you."

John's lips are pressed against Sam's before he can blink, or breathe, or bolt.

He tries to reassure himself that Dad's had too much to drink, and Dean will be home with pizza soon, and so he needs to fix this situation, get his dad sober, do something. This isn't right, not at all.

He tries to move away but then John's huge hands are gripping his delicate wrists, and pressing him into the couch. John uses his weight to trap Sam, and then his Dad is forcing him onto his stomach, pulling his clothes off, and mumbling dirty things that Sam desperately wants to drown out.

It all happens so fast, Sam can barely breathe but...

"Please, Dad, no," he sobs.

He just wants Dean to get home, he just wants Dean.

Dean can fix this.

*

While it happens, Sam thinks of the way Dean sings in the shower, loud and off-key. Always old rock and roll songs, like Led Zeppelin or AC/DC.

It always makes Sam smile.

Sam thinks of the way Dean hugs him, how it always makes him feel safe and protected and loved. 

Dean's hugs make everything better.

Sam's blanks out everything bad, all of the pain and panic and just thinks of Dean.

*

Sam wants for this to be over, because it hurts, and he can feel something dripping down his thighs, can smell the whiskey on his dad's breath, and he can hear all the things his dad is saying, like how beautiful Sam is, how perfect, how he's just like Mary, and he loves Mary, loves Sam, so much, so goddamn much.

Sam can feel a combination of blood.sweat.tears and he think that if this is how his dad shows love then he doesn't want John to love him.

He just wants Dean.

*

John finishes and Sam barely stifles a sob when John pulls out.

His eyes are shut tight, but he can still feel tears dripping down his face.

John kisses his cheek, whispers a quiet "I love you" and then Sam is alone.

*

Dean opens the door to the apartment and steps into a nightmare. He's dimly aware that he drops the pizza.

No. Nononononono.

Sammy. 

Sam. SamSamSamohgodSammy.

His baby brother, light of his life, his best friend, his kid, his baby boy, his everything.

Sam.

Naked. Face down on the couch, blood and cum dripping down his bare thighs. 

Everything is a wreck. The coffee table kicked over, a broken shot glass. Sam's jeans and boxers mock Dean from where they lay in a heap on the floor.

Dean screams.

*

Sam is jolted back into consciousness by Dean's horror-filled voice, Dean's loving hands stroking his hair, DeanDeanDean.

Dean's home. Dean is here. Dean can fix this.

*

"Sam, what happened?" Dean asks, wiping away tears.

Sam whispers one word.

"Dad."

Dean grabs his gun. 

"Dean, I don't know if it was him..."

Sam and Dean both hope they have to perform an exorcism.

*

When John's eyes do not turn black, Dean feels no guilt, no remorse when he pulls the trigger.

He feels relief.

*

Sam is cradled in his arms, fresh from a hot bath and he smells like green apple shampoo and innocence. Sam is everything good in Dean's world. 

Sam still smiles when Dean ruffles his hair affectionately and he still leans in close when Dean kisses his forehead.

Dean and Sam still have each other and they are strong enough to survive anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are love <3


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